OK so I started writing a story for a game, you know like a backround for the characters etc. I would appreciate if you could rate the first chapter, to help me see where I’m going wrong. I made it all up myself and constructive critisim is welcome. Thanks
The Path of the Elf
It is the year 450 on the planet Rindof. It is 8 days to Straka- the Elven main feast of the year, when everyone forgets their differences. The night is strong, and the peace and quiet acknowledges this. It is very still. But not everyone is asleep. The ruler is awake, pondering Straka. He is half inclined to send a messenger to the other leaders asking for a meeting, but he knows it would be futile. This man is the leader of Spirinstis, the original home of the elves. But not now. Ever since the split two years ago into three areas, he has no more power than the other two rulers.
He laughed as he thought about them. They would all come crawling back, he thought. But there was another, more dangerous threat…this empire in the south. The king feared it would not be long before it arrived on his shores. Suddenly he heard something……it wasn’t noisy, but in the still night and the elf’s thinking had sharpened his senses. There it was again….footsteps! Then a nervous knock came. The king ignored it, thinking of who it could be. It came again, more persistent this time. He sighed. “Enter”
It was a messenger. He shuffled forward before bowing to his lord. “Oh, stop and get on with it.” The king muttered impatiently. “I wish to retire to bed shortly.” The messenger nodded and swallowed. Then he spoke in a hoarse, low voice. “My liege, it is your son, Hispin……” His voice trailed away. The king turned deathly pale, all colour draining instantly. He leaned against a ornate cabinet for support.
“How is he?” the man managed to whisper. The tall messenger shook his head sadly. “Not good. I was sent by my captain to ask if you wished to see Hispin. He has been asking for you and Lady Crystina.” The king nodded and prepared to leave. He made a brave attempt to mask his grief. The messenger swept a hand through his ruffled brown hair. He had no family, and so could not sympathize with the king. He talked quietly. “Do you wish me to wake Lady Crystina?” he asked, trying to be helpful. The king looked up, alarmed. “No……no I don’t believe that is necessary. She has only returned from a long journey and is still resting. I shall tell her if………” he took a deep breath “if Hispin passes on…… Lets go.” The king strode out of the room. Shaking his head, the messenger locked the room and followed his leader.
First of all: that was very well written. It gave us information to understand the setting, then proceeded to describe the situation and the characters’ feelings. Comments:
*In order to be used as a game intro, you would have to write it in “script” format. Something like: Part, One, Scene One: Description of the scene, then conversation in brackets:
[King]: (Thoughts) or “words”
[Messenger]: (Thoughts) or “words”
*I would’ve liked a short description of what the Elves of this world are like. They don’t all look the same, you know.
*Obviously, while this sets up the situation with the King and his son, the game has got to be about more than that, right? You need to add more, but I think you know that.
*The line “The king ignored it, thinking of who it could be” sounds a little self- contradictory. Word it differently. Maybe, “The King snorted, wondering who it could be”?
*One thing I liked was the idea of Straka. Few cultures have the concept of intermingling as equals if only for a day (if I understood what you meant.) Nice touch.
Thanks for the rates first of all. ok then:
The idea is for a game, but not the intro, if you see where I’m getting at. This is just a bit of backround history for each character, though I’m not sure where it will fit in yet.
I will also put in some description for the elves in the next chapter
The elvish main character hasn’t appeared yet but the second chapter is all about her.
I will reword that line since it does look a bit odd.
I’m hoping to get the elvish side done and maybe the next ide started before my 15th birthday so it means a lot of typing! Thanks for rating Wilfredo and Ziggy