A FF8 Fanfic.

A Dream to Remember
By Admiral Nagumo

Note: This story has had other versions; this is the one I decided to go through with though. The Yojimbo in this story has nothing to do with the Yojimbo in Final Fantasy X; I’m using him in this to honor Akira Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifuni. His exact role in this story I haven’t decided yet though, I was going to post this yesterday but the site wouldn’t respond in any way. Pardon any misspelling and/or other errors. Enjoy.

Edit- Just so you know when ever I describe someone or something being Centraish, it would mean Arabic.

Chapter 1: Life in Balamb Garden

Korey woke up lately his sleeping patterns have been off due to exams but what really bothered him was the dreams he had; at first he thought it was his GF talking to him like she always did but she it wasn’t her. It was someone or something else.
“You had the same dream again”
“I know Hatsuyo.”
“You know you could get help about this dream.”
“No, I’ll be ok. Thanks anyway.”
“Ok master.”
Korey has had Hatsuyo as a GF for as long as he can remember. Mainly because he doesn’t remember how he acquired her. It was sometime when he trained in Edo. He had to get up though the SeeD exam was later that day. He took a shower, shaved, and put on his cadet uniform and went to the cafeteria to meet his friend Seth, also known as Trepe Groupie # 1. Korey got some hotdogs and a soda and made his way toward the table Seth sat at, but just then a blonde haired man came running in. He ran up to the Cafeteria woman.
“Are there anymore hot dogs left?!”
“No were all sold out. We have hamburgers though.”
Looking down at the ground he said “But I don’t want any hamburgers.”
Korey sighed and gave him his hotdogs. Korey walked up to the cafeteria worker and grabbed some hamburgers.
Grinning the man said “Thanks for the hotdogs man.”
“No problem.” Korey briefly shook of how weird of a tattoo that guy had but shrugged it off. He sat down next to friend Seth a very smart person but only focused on one person Quistis.
“Hey Seth.” Korey said as he began eating.
“Oh, hey Korey. I was getting ready to go to the library you want to come to?”
“Mmmmm.” Was Korey’s reply.
Looking slightly annoyed at his friend’s response he continued “Well I take it your ready for the exam today. Me I’m ready but my grades in class may prove I can’t participate in the exam though. I guess when or if they announce my name and tell me where to report for my Squad I’ll see. But I don’t know.” Seth said nothing until Korey was done eating. “Korey you going to join the new garden festival committee?
“Only if they bring back the Chorus groups.”
“Oh yeah you did like to sing back when we had a Chorus. I almost forgot about that. Well shall we go?” Korey got up and they made their way to the library.
“So Korey, Hatsuyo get any stronger?”
“Yeah, she’s looking forward to exam today as well.”
“I hope I can participate in the exam today. Man this is so nerve-racking.”
They entered the library, Seth walked up to a librarian in pig tails.
“Um excuse me, has that book ‘In Galbadia Volume 7’ been returned yet?”
“Oh, you like those books too?” She said as if she’s sick of people asking them. She turned toward Korey.
“Oh you’re that Samurai I’ve seen around. Hello.”
Korey bowed.
“Hmmm.” She looked at Korey closer. “You have blue eyes too. Just like him…”
“Him who?” The Samurai replied somewhat confused.
“No one” They walked with her to the humor section. She looked but didn’t find it.
“I’m sorry we don’t have it.”
“Ok.” Seth said somewhat disappointed as she walked away.
“Hey Seth you want to spare a little before the exam?”
“Sure. Let’s just go by the dorms so I can get my ax.”
“Ok I need to get my Katana as well.” They walked toward the dormitories. Seth’s dorm was closer to the entrance than Korey’s, so Korey just waited for him to grab his ax. Seth came out almost as soon as he went in. They walked toward Korey’s room.
“You can come in.” Korey offered.
“Ok sure, why not?” Seth and Korey walked in. Korey’s Roommate was in class. Korey walked in his side of the room and shut the door. Seth looked around and saw that Korey had made a poster board of an old Samurai. Seth saw that it was for a project in one of his classes. It was about Yojimbo the best Samurai in history, but he was long dead now. He was the only Mortal to learn Zantetsuken a powerful, what Seth guessed at, Limit Break. Korey came out of his room with his Katana, the Nishizawa, and was also in a Samurai kimono similar to Sanjuro Mifuni’s, the real name of Yojimbo.
“Shall we, Seth?”
“Sure, let’s go.” As they walked out of the dormitory section and to the training center they saw three people walking towards them. One of them looked irritated. They stopped right in front of Korey and Seth forcing them to stop. Korey saw these people before but rarely spoke to them.
“Well, well, well. It’s the goldfish tenor and the Trepe Groupie.”
“What do you want Seifer?” Seth asked.
“Nothing with you." Seifer shot back.
“Anyway we’re going to the training center, to spar, train or whatever you want to call it.” Korey replied.
“Hmm. My moneys on you Samurai, hell just show this wimp a picture of Instructor Trepe and he’ll be too ‘preoccupied’ to fight.”
The big man in that stood that stood at Seifer’s back right laughed. “Yeah, don’t expect him to put up a good fight, ya know.”
“I’ve spared with him before, he’s a good fighter.” Korey said, and then added jokingly “Ya know.”
“Hey don’t make fun of me, ya know. This stuff’s original, ya know.”
“RAIJIN UPSET?” The woman standing to Seifer’s back left said.
“Come on let’s get something to eat.” Seifer ordered. And they followed.
Korey shook his head “For the love of-, why do they have it in for you?”
“I have no clue." They continued toward the training center.

Chapter 2: Getting ready

Note I decided to make this a what if story. What if they used Materia and not draw.

Seth and Korey walked in the Training Center. They decided to spar at the center between the two entrances of the Training Center so they could hear the PA clearly. But they had to make note of several things manly the huge roots protruding from the ground. Seth stood at a ready stance with his long handled double-bladed ax, which he called the Fortune. Korey pulled out the Nishizawa and stood at the ready.
“Korey, should I set the rules or you?”
Korey waved his hand. “Go ahead.”
“Ok. First no summoning. I don’t feel like facing Hatsuyo.”
“Fine with me.” Korey chuckled. “I don’t feel like facing Ramuh.”
“Second, use only one type of magic Materia. I’ll use fire.”
“I guess I’ll use my only one, ice. Anything else?”
“Yeah I’ll try not to hurt you.”
“Ha! You wish. Are you done?” After he said that Seth lunged forward with an ax swipe. Korey stepped back avoiding it but almost tripped over the roots but quickly regained his balance and attacked. He attacked with a basic slash attack; it was just a spar after all. Seth caught the blade with his ax and attacked with a sweep, Korey fell, slightly dazed, then realized Seth’s ax was coming down at him, but he was able to roll, avoiding it. Seth’s ax was now stuck in the root. Before he could pull his ax out, he was struck by Korey’s foot knocking him away from his ax.
“You’ve gotten better.” Korey said smiling. Seth replied by casting a light fire spell at his foe. Korey quickly patted the fire down on his Kimono. He then countered with a light ice attack knocking Seth down. Seth got up. “Not bad but-” Just then the PA rang announcing the Cadet that would participate in the Exam. Korey heard his name he was in the same Squad as Seth.
“Cool, I’m in!” Seth was happy as anyone but Korey didn’t hear who the third person was because of Seth’s happiness.
“Congratulations you’re able to take the Exam but passing it will be hard.” Korey warned.
“Yeah but I’m sure I’ll do fine, anyway get changed and fix your hair before we meet in front of the Library.”
Korey ran his left hand through his long blonde hair before he sheathed his sword and ran to his room. When he ran into his room he noticed his roommate was back.
“Good luck Nida.” Korey extended his hand out.
Nida grabbed his hand and shook it. “Thanks Korey.”
Korey went to his side of the room and closed the door. He began changing and tied his hair, samurai style, when Hatsuyo appeared. She turned around smiling to herself. “Sorry master. I just wanted to wish you luck in person.”
“Thanks Hatsuyo I know how you feel so don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
“No master, I don’t doubt you’re fighting ability.”
“I know you’re worried about me. Hell I’ve known you all my life. Some would say a GF can’t be someone’s friend but you are. So don’t worry about me.”
“I know.” She disappeared. Korey finished preparing and ran out of his room and toward the Library. He saw many people rushing to get to their places; he came up to the library and saw Seth and a green haired cadet Daniel Marshmellow, sword at his side like always.
“So where’s the SeeD that’s suppose to brief us?” Daniel asked no one in particular.
“How should I know?” He noticed Korey walking toward them. “Oh Korey you made it, good.”
“Hey. So we got Marshmellow on our team eh?” Korey said.
Seth whispered to Korey “Yeah he’s not to smart but he’s a decent fighter from what I heard.”
“Yeah well, he’s on our team so let’s just get along with him.” Just as Korey finished that a Centraish SeeD with glasses walked up. “Hi I am Adolf Ebraheem. Not long ago Dollet was attacked by Galbadia. Needless to say you are the ones who will fight them. Ghosts, demons, GFs none of them can live your life or die your death. If you do not understand that then you have lived your life in vain.”
Seth and Korey nodded but Dan just looked confused.
Seth raised his hand. “Who’s the Squad Leader?”
“That would be-” Ebraheem looked at his paper and rubbed his chin “Korey Nagumo.”
Seth shook Korey’s hand “Congratulations man. But I knew it had to be you.”
Dan snapped “Why is that?”
Seth waved his pointing finger “Because I already know I’m not a good leader and you lack that attribute as well.”
Dan’s fists tightened as if he was going to hit Seth, but instead he just came out with “JUST what is that suppose to mean?!”
“It just means you’re not capable of handling such a task. You lack strategy mainly…and a few other things.”
Korey put his hand over his face already this was turning out bad, but it could have been worst. “Ok enough arguing, argue after the mission.”
Without another word Korey, Seth, Dan and Ebraheem started to walk toward the parking lot.

Well seems like it has potential, though i don’t know the characters that much since i haven’t played ff8 yet sorry.

no offense gunsmoke but your new avatar is distubing:moogle:

To be honest, it’s not the best fanfic I’ve read, but it’s not the worst either. My advice would be to work on it a little more, and maybe get some tips from some other writers.

During the game is fine with me.

Not bad at all for a first fic :slight_smile:
It could use some more descriptions though, as it is now it’s mostly all in dialogue and some scene instructions. Try to incoporate more descriptions, attempt to use all senses. Normally we just use looks for descriptions, but there’re sounds, smell, touch, tastes too. Of course, these are a bit harder to work with of course but it makes the story come more alive.

Thanks. So basicly for description instead of saying…Seth and Korey walked in the Training Center. They decided to spar at the center between the two entrances of the Training Center…

I should say…Seth and Korey walked in the Training Center. They could smell and hear the recent flurry of monsters. So they decided to spar at the center between the two entrances so they wouldn’t be ambushed, also so they could hear the PA clearly…

Something like that? Or do I need to think about it more.

It’s much better with the description in. The second sentence may be better if it was split up into two. Also, it’s best not to start a sentence with ‘so.’

If the rest of the chapter was written in that style, it would be greatly improved and be much easier to read. Perhaps you could add some description between the lengthier scenes of dialogue too, just to break them up a little.

But, yeah, I’d agree with Weiila, not a bad effort for a first fic.

It’s nothing special, but it is far from bad, too. Like Weiila said, more detailed descriptions will add to the quality of the story.

Not much I can say to add to the others. This is a good fic.

About describing things in stories: that is actually trickier than it sounds. On the one hand, many fanfic writers forget the fact that their audience cannot see what they can in their minds. Or, they assume that, just because they’re writing about a game or an anime, that everyone will know what the characters look like.

On the other hand, I’ve seen stories that give you SO many details, or so often (ARRGH!! Spanish Novel Flashback!!::dekar!:: ) that it makes the story feel cluttered.

I guess each writer must decide the level of detail he or she will use in his or her story. Personally, I recommend: that you describe things (people or objects) when they FIRST appear (and describe again ONLY if something happens to change their appearance, however slightly- getting your hair messed up, for example) and that you use all five senses then (well, mainly sight, hearing and smell, which are the “automatic” human senses. Touch and (especially!) taste should only be used when appropiate.

Other than that, I found you story well-written. It’s a nice set-up, and leaves room for more. There were typos, but that happens to all of us. Try to avoid them, tho.

Chapter 3: The Stage is Set
By Admiral Nagumo

Korey’s squad went to the parking lot along with Ebraheem. For the most part the group was silent; the rest of the briefing was to take place on the transport ship. They entered a standard Balamb Garden vehicle; Ebraheem was driving which left Korey, Seth and Dan in the back thinking about the task at hand. Since Korey was leader he decided to say what needed to be said. “I’m not afraid, but there is a good chance any of us may not make it back.”
Seth and Dan looked puzzled. But Korey continued “I’m serious. We are about to fight experienced men out there and we may not make it back. I just wanted to tell you the reality of this mission.”
Seth looked down at the floor, not sure what to say. He knew this would pop up but not exactly sure how to deal with it. Seth responded his voice sounding sure “We will make it. You once read a line from one of your books that said: ‘It is foolish to tie your shoes in the rice field or adjust your hat under the plum tree’…or something like that. If we don’t make wasted and futile efforts then we’ll make it.”
Korey smiled and nodded. Dan looked confused but understood the last thing Seth said. Dan didn’t know any of them that well but did decide to join the conversation. “Well all we need to do is just help those Dollet soldiers. How hard can that be?”
Seth answered “You do know of the Galbadian military right? They are decent fighters after all. Didn’t you read about their battle against Timber?”
Dan said “Yeah I know about them, but are they after the city or the soldiers?”
Korey decided, for good reasons, to answer the question “Well it seems they want the city. I’m not sure though, but I doubt they did this for fun.”
Ebraheem interrupted them “Hey Balamb is ahead.” They got out at Balamb Harbor one Transport ship left and one just docked. They boarded the transport, Ebraheem stood to the left of a screen and another SeeD stood to the right. They felt a jolt it was the ship getting ready to sail. Ebraheem gestured toward the female SeeD to his left. “This is Anan. She will give you the final details.”
She nodded. The Screen lit up showing Dollet. “The Dollet Dukedom Parliament sent a request for us around 18 hours ago, 54 hours after the Galbadian Army attacked.”
Various dots appeared to show the G-Army’s and Dollet’s army’s early positions. “But the battle fell apart for the Dollet Armies around 49 hours into the battle.”
The screen flashed to an updated version showing arrows of the retreat and advances. “Many have abandoned their positions.” The screen changed into the most recent phase of the invasion. “Your team will proceed to the second lighthouse where a small group of Dollet soldiers are holding, but the G-Army will soon mop up any resistance. Be sure to watch out for any counters the G-Army may attempt. ”
The screen changed to Lapin Beach “When you land at Lapin Beach race toward the lighthouse. There are not many curves in the beach so don’t rely on hiding against the cliff, undoubtedly they have set up barriers along the beach to nullify the numbers of troops going in or coming out.”
The screen changed back to the Garden Symbol. “Adolf you want to add anything?”
Ebraheem gestured “Yes. The order to withdraw you put before anything else. Other SeeD members will take care of any loose ends. If the soldiers you are suppose to rescue are dead by the time you get there, just stay and wait for the messenger. Be prepared for battle as soon as we land. Any questions?” Ebraheem sounded as if this was a speech.
Korey raised his hand “What kind of weapons is the G-Army using.”
Anan answered “Nothing too major: swords, machine guns, materia, but they also maybe using old Model 34 Bofors 75mm light support weapons. They are equipped for mountain use, so don’t worry I doubt that any of you will face any. We should be at the landing point soon.” Sounds of explosions could be faintly heard but no one’s resolve wavered. Korey then shouted "BANZAI!”

This chapter is much better - the prose just reads more consistently. When I read the first two chapters the pace seemed a little jarring, but this one is smoother and more fluid to read.

With description, I find the best rule is to show and not tell. Define the mood or atmosphere of a situation with the characters’ actions, rather than telling us that it was ‘tense’ or similar. Don’t tell us the character is skilled with a gunblade - show it in battle, with a smooth, rapid action scene. Don’t state the colour of her hair; show her partner’s admiring reaction to her glossy auburn curls instead. Random examples, but the principle’s evident in each one.

Here’s an interesting article on description:http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/farp/thewriting/sitsdecept/sitsdecept.html

And this is good for a broader view: http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/farp/thewriting/robdesdiaact/robdesdiaact.html

They might seem long but I really suggest taking a look if you still feel your description is clumsy or out of place. The major problem that still remains with the writing itself is that it’s very repetitive. The sentence structure throughout is samey and can become monotonous. Try experimenting with sentence length, and the placement of the words in the sentences themselves. Good layout is as important as the content. As it is, it sounds a little like a running factual account of events.

Don’t be put off, though, these are all problems that can be corrected ^^ The fic is off to a good start and you ARE listening to the advice given so far - always a good sign :stuck_out_tongue: Lotsa people don’t do that. With improvement this could be a strong piece of fanfiction :slight_smile:

Much better than the last chapter! It looks like this is going to be an interesting fic indeed.

I’d say more, but LunarCry kind of said everything for me.

Keep it up! Can’t wait for the next one!

That was greatly improved. There are still a few grammar errors here and there, but, hey, you’re human and we all make them. Keep up the good work, this is promising.

Elbow blades would be cool. I imagine the blades to be parallel to the arm. The blades would be scythe - like and one edged. They could be wide or thin depending on what kind of attacks you want him to favour. Stabbing attacks would require a thinner blade. Kind of like a katana blade. A wider blade could be used better for defense. You could also go both ways - a two inch wide katana-like blade.

The only drawback I see is how he would generate the power needed to do much damage. I don’t know if you know about torque. but I’ll explain it anyway. Torque is generated by the arm at the joints. The shoulder produces one and the elbow produces one. Together they maximize the power they generate at the wrist. With elbow blades the force generated from the elbow down is gone. He’s only using half the power.

Another thing is how he would brace the arm against the impact of the blade. For defense he could use his hand against the blade but he’d be placing his fingers at risk. Same for attacks.

An alternative would be a weapon like the one in Soul Caliber 2. They look like nightsticks only the long part is a wide blade. There are also two short dagger-blades at the bottom , perpendicular to the main blades. The handle is the same as a regular nightstick.

Sorry, I double posted by accident. Next one please.

Chapter 4: Don’t Be Afraid
By Admiral Nagumo

The transport made a sharp turn around a barrier and everyone inside almost fell, a few seconds later they felt a jolt and the hatch opened. Korey, Seth, and Dan poured out. They ran for the lighthouse. The bodies of Dollet Soldiers littered the ground much blood was spilt here today. As they ran they encountered three Galbadian Soldiers. Korey pulled out his katana, Seth held up his ax, and Dan pulled out his blade. They attacked, a Soldier sliced at Korey but his sword met Korey’s. Korey stepped back and came forward slicing through Galbadian’s chest plate like paper. Seth opponent came at him with a thrust but Seth parried it and swung his ax into the man’s back. He pulled his ax out just as the Galbadian hit the sand. Korey then noticed Dan; his sword was a straight, single bladed, Centra sword, a Yatagan to be exact. Dan had little trouble with his opponent, the Galbadian came in with an upward slice but Dan deflected the sword and upward diagonal slice in the soldier’s chest. Without delay they advanced forward the team hid behind a part of the cliff before they made their move. Korey looked around the rocky corner and saw some normal troops and some elite troops armed with machine guns. Korey told them what he saw. But Seth rushed out there and Korey and Dan followed. They stood between Seth. Just as the elite troops aimed their weapons Seth grabbed both of his ally’s shoulders and as soon as he did they disappeared. Just then a bolt of lightning hit the ground, an elderly man carrying a staff and wearing a white robe stepped from the bolt.
His staff charged up and he cried “Judgment Bolt!” He pointed his staff at the enemies and released a beam that struck the center of the formation and exploded into a flurry of lightning bolts in all directions. Some solders were thrown others just collapsed.
When the Squad reappeared they continued their rush but crossed paths with five Galbadian Soldiers, Dan grabbed the shoulders of Seth and Korey. After they vanished, a huge man came up from the sand he wore a black cloak, brown tribal pants, and was bald.
He roared “Anger of the Land!” He picked up the sand as if it was a piece of tile; it swung up as if the ground had invisible hinges and crushed the five G-Army members. The GF then sunk into the ground and the Cadets continued onward. The Lighthouse was in sight but also about seven Elite Solders. It was Korey’s turn, when the soldiers saw their targets they faded. A tornado of cherry blossoms appeared from nowhere, the blossoms blew away revealing a beautiful female samurai.
“Sakura fog.” She said, and a thick flood of cherry blossoms swept around the enemies. The blossoms were so thick they couldn’t see anything around them. Slices could be heard and when the blossoms were blown away the bodies of the enemy soldiers had countless cuts all over them. Despite this no blood was on her grey Kimono, she burst into countless cherry blossoms and flew into the sky. That seemed to be all of them, Korey and the rest of the group walked up to door. Korey was the one who knocked on the door, Korey and his group stepped back. The door opened six Dollet soldiers came out machine guns aimed.
“Friend or foe!” One of them yelled.
Korey nodded “Friend.”
They saw the dead G-Army soldiers and lowered their weapons. A Dollet soldier with a captain insignia stepped forward “You are the SeeD reinforcements?”
Korey saluted “Yes we are. What’s your status?”
“We six are all that’s left.”
They waited outside along the cool beach, the sun would set soon. Several minutes passed and no counter, Seth wondered but that wonder soon dissipated when the sounds of machine guns and explosions filled the air. It was coming from the mountain where the Commutations Tower was located. Not much anyone by the lighthouse could do anyway.
“Korey, look.” Seth pointed the way they came from. It was Anan.
“Korey, Seth, Dan return now the messengers Squad was killed, the SeeD’s will take over but you must report back to the vessel.”
Korey ran over to her “What happened?!”
“A new type of Galbadian weapon went out of control and is attacking the G-Army, Dollet Soldiers, and us.”
Dan stepped back pointing at the cliff “What hell is that?!”

How was this? Sorry if I misinterpreted the helpful information given to me. I worked on the other chapters too, so take a look.

Hee ^_^, good chapter. Although the fighting scene wasn’t long enough IMO.

The other three chapters are also a lot better. Keep at it! Can’t wait for another chapter!

Chris-chris is liking this fic. Not bad for your first try. :slight_smile: At least it isn’t as bad as my first fic. :hahaha; Only Weiila knows how bad that one was… >.> ^^;;

I love the way you made the GF and it’s master interact… that’s pretty cool. Creates a better feeling to the story. :cool:

Keep it up.

That was good. Perhaps a little more description in the battle would have improved it, but generally, it’s very good. There are a few niggling grammatical errors, for example

“Sakura fog.” She said

A comma should be used after fog and the ‘s’ in ‘she’ should not be capitalised. These are just really small mistakes, though, and they don’t really detract from the story. Overall, that was a good effort, keep them coming.